Sometimes I’m not sure whether I reveal too much or too little on this blog. It can be hard to get the balance right. But seeing as it’s a place for me to thrash out thoughts, ideas and, well, stuff, I think it’s not totally inappropriate to let you guys in on where I’m at right now and how I’m feeling. Too much? Ach, who knows!
Anyway, I’m now into the eleventh month of my life as an intern. A 31 year old intern. Ahem. As much as it kills me to even think it, let alone dwell on it for any length of time, I cannot get away from the fact that I have chosen to ‘start over’ at an age where most people are buying houses and having kids. A sorry and at times depressing state of affairs that, to be perfectly honest gets me really down. I keep thinking about the choices I’ve made along the way and how foolish I’ve been to believe that things will just work themselves out. I used to really believe that. Back when I had a little thing called faith.
Now, I’m not talking about God, religion or any kind of higher power here. I’m purely referring to that self belief that drives one to make crazy decisions – like say, giving up on a career to pursue a dream. The faith in ones ability that reckons nothing or nobody can stand in your way and you’re damn well going to succeed no matter what. Yeah, that kind of faith.
And it’s not just faith in myself that’s been rocked. Even though I’ve known this for years now, I don’t think it’s ever been more apparent than now that no-one (read NO-ONE) is going to help you win this game. The sad fact is you’re on your own. Sure, your Husband, family and friends will always be cheering you on from the sidelines but they can’t run, let alone win, the race for you.
Here’s the thing. Being good at something and working hard at it does not equal success. Fact. In my 31 years on this planet, this is the one difficult lesson I have had to shallow time and again. My bright and cheery disposition has been rocked so many times, picking myself up off the floor and dusting myself down has simply become par for the course. As an actor, I was the only performer I knew who could take rejection on the chin without so much as a flicker of emotion and just move on to the next audition with even more enthusiasm than before. It came with the job. I knew that. I accepted it. I was even fine with it.
Now though? This is different. It’s Personal. I take every sniff of a rejection personally.Too personally. Where’s my goddamn valour when I need it?! Ultimately, it’s survival of the fittest – this is a motto I carried with me during my years as a struggling actor. I just don’t know if I have any fight left in me or if I should just meekly return to Cornwall, open my vintage store, have a family and a simpler life. Is it really worth it, I keep asking myself?
Something that often pops into my mind when I’m going through my ‘minor blue periods’ is this John Lennon quote….
when i went to school, they asked me what i wanted to be when i grew up. i wrote down ‘happy’. they told me i didn’t understand the assignment. i told them they didn’t understand life.
I often need reminding that happiness really is the key to life. But what if your professional success is the key to happiness?
Right now, I’m still battling to be seen, heard and hired, and I’ll continue to until I get somewhere. Heck, in some ways I shouldn’t be complaining – in fact, with back to back internships, some would say I should be laughing. But it’s that one entry level PAID job I’m after. That first rung on the ladder that I’m busting to get my foot on. Deep down I know I’m good enough and if I can just cling on to that last remaining, dwindling bit of hope, I might just have enough left in me to make this crazy ‘career change’ business work. By golly, they don’t make it easy though.