Social Butterfly? Social Nit Wit.

I’ve been itching to blog all week. But not about food or clothes. What I want to thrash out on this here space ‘o mine is the fact that I can be a total and utter social nit wit. That is, in many situations that involve, let’s say, other people, I turn into a rambling, babbling, bumbling mess. Or the opposite. Painfully self aware and unable to breathe let alone speak.

Not being able to say what I really mean and articulate myself in the way I know I’m capable of, I find myself, quite honestly floundering and feeling like a fish out of water. Large groups terrify me and even though I’m better one on one, with certain people I am, what can only be described as, a marginal social mess. Filling space with utter crap or stuck for even a single word to offer. Take your pick, I can play both roles with aplomb.

On many levels I consider myself a social pariah and whilst this may not be immediately obvious, if you look a little closer, you’ll soon see how blatantly obvious it is. As an actor I’m reasonably skilled at masking these glaring insecurities but deep down is a girl teetering between excrutiating insecurity and a quiet but shakeable confidence. How so? Well, let’s take a quick look at the details.

Social ineptitude is usually down to feelings of inferiority or thereabouts. We all have a desire to be liked and accepted and in that respect I am no different to everyone else. One of the reasons I keep this blog is a way of forcing myself to be more daring in my self expression. This is the way I would like to be seen but I know it’s not the whole truth.

With my closest friends, I can, of course, totally be myself – mainly silly, chatty, even loud. But only a small group of people ever get to see the whole me (you know who you are!) and I’d like that not to be the case. I want others to know my funny side, my sometimes quick witted humour and my intelligent discussion but I struggle so badly to bring this person out when I most need her.

Instead, I find myself either grasping for words, terrified to utter a word (lest I embarrass myself for life) and with a ‘rabbit in the headlights’ expression on my face. Or! Talking for England and Ireland combined. Talking sheer nonsense I hasten to add – on reflection this probably explains my love for improv…

I really could shake myself sometimes because I know only too well that I am my own worst enemy and this awkwardness needs to be put to bed for good. Determined to lose those ridiculous (and they are ridiculous!) insecurities forever, I am setting out to be more forthcoming and less fearful of being disliked. I mean, if you don’t let people in a little they’ll never have a chance to make their mind up anyway!

So, here I am, open and willing to make a go of it. I’m putting it all up for judgement, critique and we’ll see whether I can use it to my advantage. No doubt I’ll always have a quiet side (who doesn’t?) but I am not going to allow social situations to overwhelm me. And if you don’t like what you see, then I guess we were just not meant to be friends.

All pictures taken from my Instagram account, which you can follow here, should you so wish.

6 responses to “Social Butterfly? Social Nit Wit.”

  1. You have no idea…but you totally just described me : /
    and every once in a while I’ll come to the same conclusion that enough is enough and this is the day things are going to change and I’m going to let the real me out and have fun! That is until I realize a few days later that nothing changed…that I’m still the same way around others…I hope you are stronger than I am. The weird part though, as a teen I was the exact opposite, if only I knew how to bring it back.


    • peasoupeats says:

      Oh gosh, I know what you mean Alex, things came so much more naturally when I was younger and now I overthink things waaaaaay too much. So, so glad to see you’re back blogging by the way, I missed you!

  2. Monica says:

    This describes me all too well…. And I am a teenager now, so maybe it will get better with age? I sure hope so… As you’ve said, I’m very comfortable and open around my friends, but when you put me in front of a group of people or in small talk with strangers or acquaintances, it goes downhill faaaast. Maybe I’m more keenly aware of my social ineptitude, and it’s not as bad as I think, but I still need to work on it. Thanks for the inspiration! And coining the term social nit wit… haha I’ll definitely use that.

    • peasoupeats says:

      Glad to be of service – luckily you’re young enough to shake off such silliness, I however have no excuse;) Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment!

  3. Ms.Mac says:

    Lovely sincere post. I really like your photo sense. Giant’s Causeway was one of the most interesting things I have ever seen…

    • peasoupeats says:

      Thank you! I have a tendency to be a little too open…:) I agree, the Giant’s Causeway is fascinating – love it.

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