I’ve been itching to blog all week. But not about food or clothes. What I want to thrash out on this here space ‘o mine is the fact that I can be a total and utter social nit wit. That is, in many situations that involve, let’s say, other people, I turn into a rambling, babbling, bumbling mess. Or the opposite. Painfully self aware and unable to breathe let alone speak.
Not being able to say what I really mean and articulate myself in the way I know I’m capable of, I find myself, quite honestly floundering and feeling like a fish out of water. Large groups terrify me and even though I’m better one on one, with certain people I am, what can only be described as, a marginal social mess. Filling space with utter crap or stuck for even a single word to offer. Take your pick, I can play both roles with aplomb.
On many levels I consider myself a social pariah and whilst this may not be immediately obvious, if you look a little closer, you’ll soon see how blatantly obvious it is. As an actor I’m reasonably skilled at masking these glaring insecurities but deep down is a girl teetering between excrutiating insecurity and a quiet but shakeable confidence. How so? Well, let’s take a quick look at the details.
Social ineptitude is usually down to feelings of inferiority or thereabouts. We all have a desire to be liked and accepted and in that respect I am no different to everyone else. One of the reasons I keep this blog is a way of forcing myself to be more daring in my self expression. This is the way I would like to be seen but I know it’s not the whole truth.
With my closest friends, I can, of course, totally be myself – mainly silly, chatty, even loud. But only a small group of people ever get to see the whole me (you know who you are!) and I’d like that not to be the case. I want others to know my funny side, my sometimes quick witted humour and my intelligent discussion but I struggle so badly to bring this person out when I most need her.
Instead, I find myself either grasping for words, terrified to utter a word (lest I embarrass myself for life) and with a ‘rabbit in the headlights’ expression on my face. Or! Talking for England and Ireland combined. Talking sheer nonsense I hasten to add – on reflection this probably explains my love for improv…
I really could shake myself sometimes because I know only too well that I am my own worst enemy and this awkwardness needs to be put to bed for good. Determined to lose those ridiculous (and they are ridiculous!) insecurities forever, I am setting out to be more forthcoming and less fearful of being disliked. I mean, if you don’t let people in a little they’ll never have a chance to make their mind up anyway!
So, here I am, open and willing to make a go of it. I’m putting it all up for judgement, critique and we’ll see whether I can use it to my advantage. No doubt I’ll always have a quiet side (who doesn’t?) but I am not going to allow social situations to overwhelm me. And if you don’t like what you see, then I guess we were just not meant to be friends.
All pictures taken from my Instagram account, which you can follow here, should you so wish.