Vulnerability. This (not so) little word has been cropping up a lot of late and for some reason the notion behind it has really resonated with me. Being a self-confessed control freak probably means I am the least ‘vulnerable’ person in the world in the sense that I won’t allow myself to be. But, y’see, over the past year it’s begun to dawn on me that perhaps my lack of vulnerability isn’t doing me any good. In fact, I’d probably go as far to say it’s doing me actual harm. I keep joking with my Husband that ‘I’ve lost the ability to relax’, which would be funny if weren’t so true. Of course, there are things in my life I can’t help but fret about (my Dad’s illness is never far from my mind) but that still doesn’t account for my anxiety levels being continually through the roof. Up until recently I’d never considered myself to be an ‘anxious’ person but perhaps I just don’t know myself as well as I previously thought. Being permanently glued to the internet certainly doesn’t help matters although I have taken measures to combat this, such as not browsing the web before bedtime (yup, my New Year’s resolution is still going strong!) and also having designated internet-free days … we both did it last Saturday and it was bliss.
Okay, so at least I’m recognising things are not quite what they should be, and again, I keep coming back to this ‘vulnerability’ thing. How can I make myself more vulnerable? What does it entail? I know a lot of what is holding me back is the fear or failure or rejection – I am both a people pleaser and a perfectionist so this is particularly hard for me. Much like the rest of the world I also compare myself to others from time to time but with a seemingly endless bevy of beautiful, talented and witty females floating about this is basically a highway to no-where. So why do we do it? I have my own abilities and unique way of doing things … it may not be the best way but it works for me – and thankfully, a few other people seem to like it too. I’m generally happy with my appearance and have accepted my face and form for what they are although that doesn’t mean I won’t still have a ‘I hate my thighs’ tantrum from time to time. It’s only natural. Like most women I only see the bad bits when I look at images of myself, which is why you’ve not seen many outfit posts on here of late – I just couldn’t face editing photos of myself in various ridiculous poses.
However, in the interests of fully instigating this vulnerability melarkey I thought it only too apt to begin by opening myself up a little more on here. No, the shots are not in some fun location (baby steps) but I felt more comfortable easing myself back in, in my own back yard and the outfit is hardly noteworthy either, but again, this is all about offering up the truth and not some styled-to-the-max version of my very quiet Cornish life. Without a doubt my style has changed significantly since moving here – and if I’m being honest with myself, it’s definitely for the better. It’s a more laid back look these days with still the odd pop of colour and print but generally speaking I take my inspiration from places like Toast (I want everything), OSKA (my fav place to browse in St.Ives), Egg (one day I will visit this store!) and Margaret Howell (her ad campaigns are the epitome of cool, casual) than I do looking at trendy fashion blogs or their magazine counterparts. I simply can’t relate to it any more.
Paired down with a smidge of personality is the way forward for me, and I’m not even a little bit sad about it. It’s actually a relief not worrying about these things although that doesn’t mean I still don’t get excited by clothes – I’m currently obsessed with a denim pinafore I bought recently online and cannot wait to wear it. My eye is drawn to cleaner lines and dramatic shapes, as well as natural fabrics such a organic cottons and linens… ugh, and don’t even get me started on denim. This mustard cardi was a highstreet bargain I picked up on a recent trip to London. I would never normally shop at Forever 21 but it was only place open on Bond Street at the time and I was surprised (understatement) at how nice the range was … not super trendy with loads of nice basics. Who knew? And even though there’s a big part of me that hates to feed the fast fashion machine I couldn’t resist making a purchase – not a great excuse but my meagre budget will only stretch so far and with a price-tag of £6.99 I hadn’t the strength to walk away. It’s immediately become a staple in my wardrobe and I wear it almost everyday – like seriously, every-day.
The jeans you’ve seen before and the blouse was a secondhand find from when I worked in Kentish Town. Oh, and the shoes are an ASOS special that have come in very handy indeed. I’m a total mid-heel girl and these give me enough height without crippling me – I love their patent retro vibe too. Comfort is key here and whilst I might switch up the items, my core ensemble of late is resolutely jeans, tops, cardi, go. I may throw a scarf on my head but that’s about as adventuress it gets these days. So, I’ve clearly mastered the casual attire bit, now to work on that over-active mind of mine. Vulnerability, here I ruddy-well come.